


fifty shades of Greyjoy

by janie_tangerine



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff, I Blame Tumblr, M/M, Press and Tabloids, Robb Stark is a Gift, Sex Tapes, Tumblr Prompt, i aim to make the last tag a common tag, past theon/ramsay mentioned, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-03 23:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2892575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where there's a sex tape and fifty shades jokes. Robb isn't amused at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fifty shades of Greyjoy

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this was a thing I posted on tumblr ages ago when I was taking prompts for my birthday (which I will finish up/repost completely one day I swear I'm so bad at reposting) and someone said 'Theon/Robb, sex tape', and this thing happened, and I never reposted it out of sheer laziness but I always thought that when I did I'd title it fifty shades of Greyjoy because the content totally allowed me to make that joke in-fic, but then I couldn't be arsed. Then after I posted my latest one and someone justifiably brought up the 'why didn't you title it fifty shades of Greyjoy' I went like 'well er I actually planned to use that for another thing' so now I feel obliged to post the actual other thing. Just so that no one throws rotten tomatoes at me, advance warning: there is absolutely no actual sex in this except for vague descriptions of what happened on the aforementioned sex tape, so don't expect it. 
> 
> Also since I'm leaving for New Year's and I won't be able to do the long-ass repost of tumblr prompts I thought I'd do before leaving, this ridiculousness is my New Year's present for 2014. Enjoy. ;)
> 
> Obviously nothing belongs to me other than the crack. Also you can try to guess my age from which famous sex tape I mentioned in this. XD

After this, Robb is _really_ going to ruin Bolton.

He just needs to prove that it was him behind the damned leaked tape – couldn’t have been Ramsay, since Ramsay is thankfully locked up, so it had to be Roose.

Not that he gives a shit about the tape itself – who even cares. What he gives a shit about is the damage control, the conference that he has to get through in a few minutes, Theon feeling fucking guilty about it, as if it was _his_ fault that someone hacked both their computers, the damage control, Jon’s I-think-I-am-funny-but-I-really-am-not texts and the damage control.

“Robb, you can always just give a statement to the press and be done with it,” Sansa reminds him from his side. She’s been sending him sympathetic looks for two days, since the entire shitstorm started, and Robb won’t ever regret that out of all of his siblings _she_ is his PA.

“Yeah, and I’d have to evade questions about it for the next ten years. Let’s just do this so I can go home and try to get Theon to forget about it.”

“Try to get _him_ to forget about it? What about the two of you?”

“As far as I’m concerned this is old news already. Well then, let’s go.”

“If I tell you to try and play it safe you won’t hear me out, will you?”

“That’s why _you_ are my favorite.”

“Flatterer. Just get on with it.”

Robb takes a deep breath and walks out into the Stark Co. press conference room – it’s packed with reporters. Of course.

Thankfully Sansa takes charge and proceeds to speak first – Robb tunes her speech out. _One question at a time, please try not to be too inappropriate_ and so on. Figures. Everyone will be inappropriate, Robb could bet money on it.

He sits down behind the desk and grabs the microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon. I suppose losing time with formalities would be useless, since there’s one reason for this press conference, so by all means. _One at a time_.”

The first reporter stands up. A woman. Red hair. It’s not the first time Robb sees her – isn’t her name Ros – Ros something? Anyway, she works for some tabloid which isn’t the worst of the bunch. Still, it’s a tabloid. “Mr. Stark, so would you confirm that the person in the video is, in fact, you?”

_As if there are any doubts_. “Yes. I’m not going to deny that.”

“And do you confirm that the other person –”

“Since I suppose that might bring further question, I’m going to state it now. That video is not a fake or a publicity stunt or anything of the kind. Yes, it’s me and my significant other in it. _Yes_ , my significant other is Theon Greyjoy, and before anyone asks me why I had not come public about it before, it was because he wanted to keep it private for personal reasons. Also, I suppose that everyone in this room has seen the video in question. I can assure you that everything that happened in it was fully consensual and negotiated. And that’s the extent of the specifics I’m willing to give.”

“If it wasn’t a _publicity stunt_ how is it that it’s now widely available online?”

Damn Varys from that blasted _Spider_ magazine. Always count on him for the second most-inappropriate question of every conference.

“That’s what I’m looking into, since neither of us ever meant for it to be public. You will be notified when I know, as I’m as interested as you in this specific matter.”

“With all due respect, Mr. Stark, why would you even risk something like that in your position?”

_With all due respect my ass_ , Robb thinks as he turns to his left and attempts to smile as amiably as possible towards Bronn He-Can’t-Remember-The-Surname – same tabloid as Varys. If he hasn’t changed it in the last six months. He tends to switch tabloids a lot.

“With all due respect, why not? Both of us had reasons for it, and it’s not as if we wanted to share that video on the internet.”

Well, it had been _Theon_ wanting to do it, but Robb isn’t going to tell the press that he had come up to Robb one day and muttered that maybe he had been talking with his therapist about his (worsened) self-esteem issues and she had suggested this, this and that, and obviously he hadn’t gone and brought up his sex life, _but_ he had thought about it and maybe shooting a video of the two of them just once could have sort of helped. Robb hadn’t grasped half of the reasoning, since Theon wasn’t even looking at him while they were talking, but it’s not like he really cared about the reasons. If Theon wanted a sex tape to look at when he so wished, then fine, he had nothing against filming the two of them.

Sure, if he had known that someone would hack into his computer or _something_ and post it online he would have filmed the two of them doing fairly vanilla things. Not – well, not him tying Theon to the bed and proceeding on telling him every single thing he liked about him. If anything because now every damned tabloid in the country is thriving on _Fifty Shades of Greyjoy_ jokes and yeah, if it had been a self-esteem thing, it’s not exactly working like that now.

“And what does your family say about your involvement with the son of –”

“My father’s greatest competitor,” Robb interrupts, and he wouldn’t have done that if it had been anyone else, but he’s not going to be nice to fucking Petyr Baelish from _Mockingbird_ – if there’s one tabloid he’d erase from existence, _that_ ’d be one. Along with its founder. “Mr. Baelish, Theon and I have been friends since elementary school. I can assure you that my family couldn’t care less about him and I being involved. If that was some subtle way of asking me if they were aware that I’m bisexual, they’ve known that as well for years.”

“Then how come the public doesn’t know?”

“I would have been happy to go public the moment he wanted to. And I never had important relationships with men before, so I don’t see why I should have informed the press about it. That would be my business, wouldn’t it?”

“And do you have anything to comment about – let’s say, the _circumstances_ shown in that tape?”

He _knew_ it.

“I suppose you want my opinion on the whole… _fifty shades of Greyjoy_ headline, don’t you?”

“Well, I am quite sure the public wouldn’t have imagined that _you_ might be seen in such a position. If I make myself clear.”

Robb kind of wants to strangle him. As if. He already hates being sort of a _public figure_ even if there’s no reason why he should be – he has no fucking clue why co-running a fairly profitable company these days means that people know your face. He also hates those poor excuses for porn literature. And now everyone thinks he’s – 

He’s really going to sic his lawyers on Roose Bolton. His most evil lawyers.

“I don’t see how what I choose to do in my bedroom it’s the public’s business, but by all means, have my opinion. That headline is completely idiotic, because while it might be the case that we occasionally indulge in that kind of thing, I can assure you that I didn’t force him to sign a contract, I actually stop if he asks to, I didn’t ask him to get into it two days into our relationship and I actually know how to tie a knot, differently from whoever shot that movie.”

Baelish has just gone completely red in the face and Robb has to smirk at that – good. 

But he’s also dead tired of this charade.

“Mr. Stark, aren’t you worried about the repercussions of this on your public image?”

Ros is an idiot, Robb decides.

“Absolutely not. I’m here because I’m good at my job, which would be _running a company_. People can like me or not, it means absolutely nothing in the long run. My partner and I are both consenting adults in a sexual relationship and since we were both enjoying it, I’m certainly not ashamed of it. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are still making a good living, I’ll survive that as well. And since I don’t think there’s much else I can say about this, have a good day. I hope this chat was sufficient to satisfy everyone’s curiosity,” he cuts short, and then he flashes a smile that he’s pretty sure won’t fool anyone into think he actually means it.

Then, before anyone can protest, he proceeds to make a beeline for the exit.

His cellphone starts ringing a moment after he drives away from the building. It’s Sansa.

“Nice, leaving me here to clean up your mess.” At least she sounds amused rather than angry.

“You’re a lot better at it than I could ever be.”

“Flatterer. Fine, fine, go back home and be the responsible Christian Grey, won’t you?”

“ _Hilarious_ ,” Robb snorts, and then he throws the phone on the backseat.

When he finally opens the door to his apartment, he’s expecting Theon perching against the doorframe and staring at him as if he’s wondering whether he went crazy or not – of course, the conference was telecasted on some pay per view channel or something.

“Were you expecting me to break up with you without telling you first?” Robb finally says after they stared at each other for a good ten minutes.

“I wasn’t expecting you to take it all so well,” Theon sighs, and – right, they haven’t managed to see each other since the whole thing exploded in their faces, but they did talk. “You really don’t care that much?”

“Theon, I don’t give a shit. It’s not like it’s going to get me fired. So now people know I like to tie you up? Who even cares. Let them gossip. Never mind that it’s going to be a lot harder on you than me if I know the way your relatives work. I can bet money it was Bolton, damn him.”

“I’ll bet money with you,” Theon agrees. “Whatever. It’s not like everyone but my sister was talking to me in the first place. I can handle it. Still, it’s not like we had to –”

“You know, I don’t regret having filmed that thing. I didn’t mind it when we were doing it, you liked it, whatever. Can we just forget about it? Unless you want to make sure the internet explodes and we shoot a proper porn movie with just the right title.”

Fine, that was some seriously poor taste, but he hasn’t know Theon for years for nothing – he would like poor taste humor. And it works – Theon looks at him like he’s completely crazy for a moment, but then he can’t help snickering.

“Yeah, sure, our very own _fifty shades of Greyjoy_?”

“I’m up for it if you are.”

“Shit, you would. But I think I’d rather enact it without filming it.”

“When?”

“How about now? That conference was completely bonkers even by your honesty standards, but damn if the way you shot Baelish down didn’t get me bothered.”

“Why,” Robb says as he moves closer and grabs at the lapels of Theon’s shirt, “I think I could be very amenable.”

“Good,” Theon says, and then he’s dragging Robb forward into the bedroom while they kiss.

Robb is definitely going to sic his lawyers at Roose Bolton, but not before at least a few hours.

End.


End file.
